Warnings: angst, m/m

It's cold, I'm hungry and I pretty much feel like crap.

I don't think I've cried this long and hard since I lost Charlie. No, forget that. I know I haven't. Even finding the courage to accept that my marriage was over hadn't taken as much soul searching as this had. And, when it comes right down to it, I'm not really much of a soul searching kind of guy.

Not that I can't soul search. I can soul search with the best of them, but I've never been all that thrilled with the end results of soul searching.

Like now when I finally have to admit that I've come to the end of the line.

I'm standing outside this door, ready to take what has been offered to me a thousand times over the last decade. I never thought I'd actually be doing this. I'm here, rain drenched, ready to embrace the consolation prize because holding on to first prize is too damned painful.

In the end, it was the infidelity I couldn't live with.

I'm pretty sure I caught him every single time he cheated. I mean, it wasn't like he was trying to sneak around.

"You're rubbing my face right in it," I'd say, trying to stay calm and failing miserably.

"I am not." He'd sound so freaking reasonable I'd want to shoot him. Then he'd go into his whole spiel about monogamy being no real measure of love or a relationship's stability. Our discussions always went downhill from there.

He had this big song and dance about his loyalty to me being a spiritual thing. That his heart was forever mine so how could the momentary pleasure shared between two willing bodies even begin to diminish what we shared?

I know a crock of shit when I smell it.

I found myself resorting to the kind of mealy-mouthed, mamby-pampy crap that my ex-wife used to pull on me when she and I were having problems. I discovered quickly the dynamic duo of guilt and shame that had worked wonders when it came to keeping me in line, had no effect on him.

Oh, he understood guilt and shame just fine. He carried them like twin millstones around his neck, but only for his past. Not a speck, not a drop, not a bit of guilt and shame plagued him for the way he fucked around on me. Zip, nada, zilch.

I was the one who had a crisis of faith when we all found out about his wife and son.

"Did you think she was dead?" I'd asked after the dust had settled, the wife and kid were safe and the four of us were back at the SGC.

"I had no reason to believe she was dead," he'd answered as he dropped to his knees and began to unfasten my uniform pants.

Now, I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, mostly in the service of my country. I have my own assorted nightmares and a truck-full of regrets, but mostly I'm a straightforward guy. I try to live by the code of ethics I was raised with in the wilds of Minnesota. Things that might not mean much to most folks now, but had meant plenty to people like my grandfather, still guided me. They were uncomplicated truths that had been burned into me.

Things like a man's word is his bond. A man's handshake is his promise. A man takes care of his own. A man is accountable for his actions. A man doesn't commit adultery.

"So," I'd said, trying desperately to hold on to a rational line of thought as his fingers slipped into the opening left in the zipper's wake, "you didn't believe she was dead. You had no idea she'd divorced you."

"Correct." His breath had wafted over my rapidly filling cock.

"You and I," I'd moaned.

"You and I," he had agreed, placing a soft kiss on my belly.

"No," I'd said, putting a little space between us. "You and I, well you actually, cheated on your wife."

"No," he had answered, closing the tiny distance.

"Yes," I'd insisted, tilting his head up so he had to look me in the eyes. "You did it knowingly. I was the idiot along for the ride."

It's hard for most people to tell when he's pissed. I mean, he's got that whole if-I-show-emotion-my-face-will-crack thing going on. Well, at least in public. I've put plenty of smiles on that solemn face. Anyway, I could tell I was pissing him off, but I hadn't really cared at the time. Yeah, I'd wanted the blowjob, but I'd wanted some answers first.

"You lied to me," I'd accused.

"I did not," he had said, rolling back to lean on his haunches.

"Okay, it was a lie of omission rather than commission, but it was still a lie."

"In what way?"

"You didn't tell me you had a wife." He'd cocked his eyebrow at me. "You. Didn't. Tell. Me. You. Had. A. Wife." I'd figured if I said it slow enough, he'd clue into what I was talking about.

"You did not ask."

"Of course I didn't ask. That's the kind of information you're supposed to volunteer."

"I revealed nothing of my family as I feared the SGC would feel I was vulnerable and therefore ill-suited to service. I could not let their existence become common knowledge."

"Common knowledge?" By this point my erection had completely withered. "Telling your best friend isn't exactly taking out a front page ad, buddy."

"I did not wish to put you in a position that could divide your loyalties between your people and myself."

Here's the kind of reasoning that would drive me up the wall over the next eight years. He wouldn't dream of forcing me to choose between him and my duties, but he wouldn't think twice about screwing around on me.

"Teal'c," I'd sighed, realizing there was no point in continuing this discussion.

"O'Neill," he had said, reaching into my pants and waking my dick up. "I must confess something to you," he gave me a rare, beautiful smile. "I have a wife and a son."

Is it any wonder I fell for him, for pity's sake?

Sighing, I move under the awning. The rain is hitting me pretty hard now. It's more like sleet. I'm freezing my ass off, but I still can't quite bring myself to knock on that door. I know it's warm and bright and safe on the other side and that I'll be welcomed with open arms if I can just gather up whatever it is I'm using for balls these days and knock.

It shouldn't be so hard, but my memories of his recollections are warm and bright and safe inside me. He'd offered the story of how he fell in love with me at least a thousand times.

"Across the room, O'Neill," he'd whispered the first time we'd made love. "My eyes were drawn to you from across the room that was filled with the Gods' rejected ones. You were unlike any other man I had ever encountered and I knew, without a doubt, you were the one I had been waiting for all my life."

A guy like him, a big bruiser of a guy, shouldn't be able to talk about stuff like that without sounding like a complete horse's ass. I mean seriously, he's this huge killing machine warrior and he was laying there talking about seeing me across a dungeon and knowing I was the one for him. Instead of coming off like sappy girlie crap, it sounded like truth. Maybe a little flowery, but truth.

"Before I had even heard you speak, O'Neill," he'd continued, "I knew there was no possibility that I would kill you, no power in the universe that could compel me to let you die. I had just found you and you were my destiny."

The first time he said it, heck, the thousandth time he said it, I believed him.

In the beginning I'd thought he and I were a lot alike. I guess we are on the surface. We've both spent most of our lives in the military, we've both been married and each had a son. We'd both given up so much to be a part of the SGC. Like a chance for a regular life.

Although his version of a regular life, being the right-hand man of a snake head, was pretty far removed from my version of a regular life. In my version, a person shops at the A&P, does some puttering around the house on the weekends, and drinks a couple of beers while watching FOX News in the evening. That's my version.

Or at least it was.

Now my regular life consists of getting up in the morning, walking through a sideways flusher, ending up on some planet across the galaxy where I battle the bad guys in the hopes of a) saving said planet, b) saving SG1's butt, and/or c) saving the collective butts of the universe. If I'm lucky, sometime later that week I'll head back through the flusher in time to have a steak at O'Malley's before going home to sleep. If I'm extra lucky, Teal'c will be there beside me from beginning to end.

If I knock on that door--no scratch that. When I knock on that door, everything will be the same and yet everything will change. I'll still get up in the morning, walk through the flusher, end up across the galaxy and battle the bad guys to save the universe. The big difference will be that when I wake up in the middle of the night, the body next to me will be the one I settled for instead of the one I wanted.

But hey, life is all about compromise, right? I mean, I've heard that about a million times so that makes it true, right?

I'm wavering, damn it. I'm actually considering walking back to my car and slinking off like some whipped dog. I'm starting to think a hot shower and a good night's sleep will put this whole mess into perspective and I'll be able to deal with everything going on as it has.

That good night's sleep would be a lonely one though. Teal'c is out and about with Bra-tac doing something at the rebel Jaffa base.

I know he doesn't have sex with Bra-tac because they have that whole father-son thing between them. Plus, I asked.

The Jaffa kid watching the rebel base, well, that's another story. I'm pretty sure he gives it up for Teal'c every chance he gets. I've had a hard time getting over the fact that the kid betrayed Teal'c in the beginning. Sure, he ended up saving him from the Goa'uld, but if it hadn't been for his double crossing, Teal'c would never have been captured in the first place.

The kid had been so impressed with Teal'c's conviction and readiness to die rather than worship the Goa'uld, he'd been converted. So, now he is one of the main honchos at the rebel base.

Teal'c draws people to him. Not with the smiling-draw-you-in-against-your-will charisma that politicians and charlatans have in excess. It's more like he radiates this steadiness, like he could be the Simon Peter of modern times. He is that "upon this rock I will build my Church," kind of man.

Apophis had. According to Bra-tac, he had always been powerful, but with Teal'c as his rock, as his First Prime, the snake head had taken on bigger and better risks until he became one of the major forces to be reckoned with in the galaxy.

Bra-tac had told me in confidence that it was because Apophis had the finest First Prime any Goa'uld had ever possessed when he'd had Teal'c. Apophis knew Teal'c could lead fearlessly in battle and rouse his warriors to greatness. Teal'c gave him the advantage and in turn Apophis had added cunning and courage.

I could almost buy that if I'd never seen Apophis and Teal'c together.

It's my educated guess that Apophis felt he could act like the big man on campus because he had the best boyfriend on campus.

Don't forget, I've seen them in the same room. The sparks fly. They say that love and hate are flip sides of the same coin and with Teal'c and Apophis, well, there goes your proof.

Teal'c explained to me one night, after I'd badgered him for a while, that one of his most important duties as Apophis' First Prime was to be the Goa'uld's receptacle.

What I've managed to decipher from Jaffa speak into American English is that only Apophis was allowed to pitch to Teal'c. Teal'c was allowed to pitch for whomever he wanted, provided it didn't interfere with a Goa'uld home game. However, he never had the Coach's permission to catch for anyone but the home team.

The whole thing still makes me sick. Teal'c couldn't see the problem.

"Geeze Louise, Teal'c. What if everyone who was under Hammond's command had to give it up to him?"

"And?" he'd asked, as if he didn't have a clue what I was driving at.

"It's just wrong."

"It was my duty, O'Neill." Like that was an answer.

"What? Did you like it, Teal'c?"

"I served Apophis gladly. I believed him to be my God."

So not the answer I'd hoped for. "Did you love him?"

"He was my God, O'Neill. Do you not love your God?"

I'd realize then that I didn't want to know the whole truth. No matter what Teal'c's feelings are now, once upon a time he had loved the hell out of Apophis. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Apophis loved the hell out Teal'c in his own parasitic snake-y way.

There were way too many times Apophis crossed the line trying to retrieve Teal'c. It was more than personal. Personal would have been justified. Nothing could be much more personal than your second-in-command betraying you. Nope, that's plenty personal.

This was intimate, though. He looked at Teal'c like I do. Like he could devour him whole and still not be close enough to him.

Teal'c never has let me pitch to him. He'd told me, "I was taken in such a way when I was a slave, O'Neill. I am a slave no longer."

Back then, I understood. Besides, our sex was the most amazing I've ever been privileged enough to enjoy, so I was good.

Later, I decided that Teal'c might not be dating Apophis anymore, but he was still saving what he believed belonged to the Goa'uld.

Even now, years after I gleaned that little nugget of truth and accepted it, it continues to pierce me like a bullet to the heart. Apophis might be 99.9% dead, but some part of Teal'c is holding out for him.

I could have lost him to Shan'auc. He'd almost left the SGC for the priestess.

"It is duty, O'Neill. If a symbiote can be persuaded before maturity, I am obligated to help her."

I'm sure it didn't hinder his decision that she was beautiful, a childhood friend and they were doing the horizontal mambo. Still, his first priority was to the Jaffa, not to me. I got that. I'd left my wife behind plenty of times while going to the Middle East and various other hot spots. If a person chooses to be a soldier then he goes where he has to, when he has to.

Her death kept him with me. Some hideous part of me was grateful to be able to have him no matter what the cost.

I agonized over him leaving the SGC to be with the Jaffa version of the Queen of the Amazons. He kissed her right in front of me so, without me asking, I knew he'd done lots more in private.

"I never intended to stay there, O'Neill," he'd assured me afterward. "Nor did I possess any great affection for her."

"Then what was with the tonsil hockey in the gate room?"

"It is the way of the Jaffa. We seal our words with our actions and our promise with our bodies." He'd gifted me with a grin. "Besides, O'Neill, I was endeavoring to throw Daniel Jackson off our trail."

"Huh?"

"Do not ask, do not tell. A kiss with the woman might cause Daniel Jackson to doubt his assumption about us."

Teal'c's not much of a liar, so I opted not to delve too deeply into his explanation. The issue wasn't if he was telling the truth or not. The problem was that he and I approached the truth from different angles.

To quote a bit of that King James Bible that Teal'c is so fond of, "What is truth?"

Truth right now is ice cold rain filling up my hiking boots. Truth right now is I'm going to throw away a chance at what I want for a chance with what I can have.

The biggest fight we ever had, although fight is a misnomer for the two weeks of bitter silence I got from Teal'c, was over Jonas Quinn. I know nothing happened between them because I'd asked point blank and he'd answered point blank.

"No," he'd said in a tone that made me pretty sure I'd just come off as a complete and total moron. "I have not 'done' Jonas Quinn."

Okay, I believed him, but even Sam, who is pretty oblivious to the whole realm of sexual tension happening in SG1, remarked to me, "Jonas and Teal'c really seem to have hit it off, Sir. I'm glad to see it."

For the brightest person I've ever known, that woman can be pretty myopic. I was eating my jealous heart out over Teal'c new playmate while Sam was encouraging it. She's a terrific soldier and is smarter than I'll ever dream of being, but what I could never get was how she didn't see what was going on right in front of her face. Maybe it wasn't theoretical enough for her.

Daniel sure did though. A mere four days after the first time Teal'c and I made love, he'd warned me, "Be careful, Jack." Now, there's a boy who'd never been slow on the interpersonal uptake.

"I'm not going to advertise it, Daniel. I've been part of the Air Force long enough to know to be discreet, for pity's sake."

"I'm not concerned about your career, okay? The Jaffa view sexual liaisons differently than we do."

"Have you been peeking or are you looking for details?" I'd said sarcastically.

"Neither. I'm just saying that the Jaffa treat sexuality separately from romantic relationships."

"Thanks for the advice for the lovelorn, Danny, but I think I'm a big enough boy to handle it."

Daniel hadn't deserved my anger. He was just trying to help. Not to mention, he was right.

As for Jonas, I hadn't been ready to forgive him for his part in Daniel's death and ascension. I didn't even want him on SG1 and there was Teal'c cozying up to the kid. Stupid, I know. Teal'c understood Jonas in a way none of the rest of us could. They were both strangers in a strange land and they both knew they carried the faint smell of "enemy" about them.

It had been natural for Teal'c to take Jonas under his wing and be a mentor of sorts for him. I just hadn't been able to get the notion about how the relationship between a Jaffa mentor and apprentice worked out of my head.

There was nothing between them, but there could have been. Jonas practically worshipped Teal'c. I'd like to think Teal'c didn't have a physical thing with Jonas out of consideration for me, but I think it had more to do with respecting Hammond and the SGC.

He couldn't bring himself to see my side of the whole damned thing, but he would temporarily restrain himself for the American government.

With the door looming in front of me, the past is pulling at me hard.

Teal'c is an incredible man. Aside from his physical attributes, and he is a good-looking guy, he's also smart and he's loyal and he's fearless. He's tough and he's kind and he's silent when I need him to be. He never forgives anyone who hurts someone he loves and he never forgets someone he loves.

He is the rock I rebuilt my life on.

He's the guy who taught me to enjoy Star Wars and he's the guy who shamed me into reading the Bible. He's the guy who tried to like fishing because I do. He's the guy who lets me get a few jabs in when we box.

He's stood by my side through adventures and misadventures, never wavering in his faith that we would persevere. He's been willing to lay down his life for me time and again. He's a man guided by the duty and honor.

He's good and he believes in crazy stuff like meditation and justice and dying for the principle of the thing.

He's the man who walked away from everyone he'd ever known and everything he'd ever cared about because, from the moment he saw me, before he'd even heard my voice, he knew I was the one he'd waited for all his life.

He is, quite simply, the man I love and admire.

In the end, it was the infidelity I couldn't live with.

The saddest thing of all is that he'll totally understand why I had to do it and he'll love me anyway. He'll step aside while I commit to someone else because he'll know that I have to live with the demons in my head just as he has to live with his own.

He won't be angry. He won't even be hurt. He'll wish me happiness and he'll mean it. It won't diminish his love for me one iota.

See, he really, truly believes what we have is above and removed from everything else. That our love is pure and perfect and nothing either one of us can do will ever change it. He's probably right.

I know it's all me.

I want someone who will understand the part of me that demands monogamy. I want to come before duty and honor and responsibility. I want to be first and last and everything in between for someone.

I'm only human, after all.

So, I'm going to knock on that door. I'm going to make my second choice into my first.

I pray to God that I won't be cheating all three of us.

I knock.

The door opens almost immediately. Light and warmth and brightness spill out, just like I knew they would. Before I can open my mouth to explain, the concern begins.

"You're soaked. What's going on? Are you okay?"

I will be once I cross that threshold and let go of my foolish dreams.

"Look, can I come in, Danny?"

FIN

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